Nintendo Stimulates Gamers with Highly Anticipated Wii Clit
TOKYO — At a press conference Monday, Nintendo unveiled the highly anticipated Wii Clit, a revolutionary new accessory for the market-leading console that demonstrates how to make a woman orgasm. A specially designed remote employs motion sensor technology to capture each poke, career, and thrust made with its vagina-contoured control pad.
A specially designed remote captures each poke, caress, and thrust made with its vagina-contured control pad.
“Our main premise in designing the Wii Clit was to educate men and women alike in how to stimulate the clitoris properly,” creator Shigeru Miyamoto told reporters through a translator.
Miyamoto, the legendary game designer behind Mario and several other iconic Nintendo characters, was shocked to learn several years ago that he rarely, if ever, brought his wife to orgasm. After learning a variety of techniques to help her climax, he began tracking his performance.
Charting his progress was fun, said Miyamoto. He wanted to find a way to share his newfound knowledge with other hardcore gamers, many of which have probably never heard of the clitoris, let alone seen a woman naked.
The Wii Clit package, which will retail for $59.99, comes with a controller, scented candle, and lubricant. Also included if an introductory title, Wii Gettin’ Laid, in which players can learn about and design their own on-screen vaginas.
Creator Shigeru Miyamoto was shocked to learn years ago that he rarely, if ever, brought his wife to climax.
Nintendo has incorporated some of its most popular characters to date into the first few games that will be compatible with the unit:
Super Mario Lovers — Mario makes his way through eight arduous Mushroom Kingdom worlds filled with sex tips from Goombas, Koopa Troopas, and Buzzy Beetles. Mario defeats King Koopa and then spends hours in the sack with a newly-emancipated Princess Toadstool, helping her reach a mind-blowing series of orgasms.
Legend of Zelda: The Adventures of Kink — Our protagonist, Link, is on a quest to save Princess Zelda, who has fallen into a deep sleep after yet another round of intercourse that came nowhere near climax. As Link traverses the various environments of Hyrule, he collects rupees and consults shopkeepers and enemies alike to learn enough bedroom techniques to keep his lady going for awhile. After defeating the final villain, Ganon, Link deflowers the princess. “Zelda comes so hard,” boasts Miyamoto, “that the try-force nearly shatters into a thousand tiny pieces.”
Donkey Shlong — The classic angry ape may have a huge penis, but that doesn’t mean he knows how to use it Protagonist Mario is able to learn a great deal from Donkey Kong’s shortcomings in this take on the arcade classic.
Relationship expert Dr. Drew Pinsky had the opportunity to test the Wii Clit recently and offered high praise for the product.
As I constantly remind my listeners, approximately 70 percent of women do not come from intercourse alone,” said Pinsky, “so it’s essential to focus on the clitoris to easily trigger orgasms.”
Dr. Drew, who dispenses similar advice on his radio show, Loveline, expanded on the benefits of Nintendo’s latest Wii peripheral.
Unbeknownst to Mario, he would have to trudge through seven more worlds of the Mushroom Kingdom before getting to bang Princess Toadstool.